Loss

This week, our family experienced a devastating tragedy. I've debated writing about it, but as I've looked online for insight into situations like mine, I haven't been able to find a lot of information. So, I hope that in sharing my story, I might help someone feel a little more at ease.

On May 17, we were scheduled to go in for our 20-week ultrasound. We were beyond excited to find out the gender of our baby and to start preparing for his or her arrival. Before the ultrasound appointment, we had scheduled my regular OB visit. Both offices are a bit of a drive in the same direction so we figured we'd check them both off our list on Sam's day off from school. We dropped the girls off with a friend and went to our appointment.

I didn't know who the appointment was with and I was excited to find out it was Dr. Cadieux. She is our favorite doctor--the one who delivered Clara. We started chatting about our exciting appointment that day as she began the routine examinations. As she was using the Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, she kept hearing my heartbeat loud and clear. I was a bit concerned when she decided to turn on the ultrasound machine to check things out. As soon as she started looking around, Sam and I both could tell that something was wrong. We couldn't see the little pulsing heart and the baby wasn't moving. She confirmed our fears but told us to head over to the other office with the nicer ultrasound equipment to make sure.

Sam and I sat and cried together for a few minutes before heading to the car. We sat quietly during the ten minute drive. When we arrived at the other office, they were ready for us and took us back immediately. The ultrasound tech took some measurements and scanned around a bit. She told us that she couldn't find a heartbeat and that she would send the doctor in. He came in to tell us that the baby measured at about 18 weeks. He said that second trimester pregnancy loss is very uncommon and is usually associated with a chromosomal abnormality. This final confirmation was devastating.

We went to pick up our girls. Our wonderful friend who was watching them rallied our other friends together as soon as she heard the news. There has been a lot of sad things going on among our group of friends and it's amazing to have the support of wonderful people--even those facing tragedies worse than yours.

When Abby got into the car, she asked, "How did it go?" I told her it didn't go good and that our baby had died. She started to cry and it broke my heart. I didn't expect my three-and-a-half year old to understand as well as she did. Later she asked if it was a girl and I told her I didn't know. When we got home we snuggled up together on the couch to watch a movie.

We have received an outpouring of love for which I am very grateful. We have a garden of flowers in our house and have had meals delivered each night since the news came. We have had phone calls, e-mails, texts and visitors. It is in these moments that my emotions are strongest. I feel so incredibly blessed to have so much love in my life.

We have been doing as well as can be expected--better maybe. I have actually been surprised by my own strength. We have been faced with a lot of facts and decisions we weren't prepared to make and we are dealing with each of these things the best way we know how.

Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital to deliver the baby. I will receive pitocin and pain medication, just like a traditional induction. This is the part that is scary and unknown. 18 weeks is kind of on the border of miscarriage and stillbirth. The definition of stillbirth is a baby who is born deceased at a time when life would normally have been sustainable. With advances in science and technology, this time frame is earlier and earlier. That being said, most of the information I can find on delivery is about women further in gestation.

Depending on how things go, I plan to write about it, if only to help someone else facing a similar situation.

During this challenging time, I feel so much love for my family, especially for Sam. He has been so amazing, taking time off from school and taking the girls on little outings to give me time to be alone. Above all, I am thankful for my Savior. I know His love is giving me the strength to push forward when I'm not sure if I can.

Carnival Fun

The annual carnival came to town last week. We watched the fluctuating weather reports and decided we'd better go Wednesday night as it was the least likely day to rain. It turned out to be family night, which made the wrist band for Abby a super good deal. Abby had a blast going on all the rides. It was so nice to have Garrett there so they could go together.

The only thing Abby didn't like was the bumper cars. I don't think she knew what to expect and didn't particularly like getting crashed into repeatedly. I finally stopped in a corner so we would be mostly out of the way.

Clara didn't love being at the carnival. She wanted to walk all over but the grass wasn't super stable so she kept falling down. She did have a fun time doing the slide with daddy. Next year she should be ready to do some rides.

I stole most of these pictures from Becky. She gets better shots with her much nicer camera.

20 Weeks

I hit the half-way mark in my pregnancy yesterday. Woo hoo! We have our ultrasound on Thursday and I'm very antsy to find out the gender of our baby.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day today. Sam made me a delicious breakfast and dinner. The girls gave me lots of hugs and kisses. Abby helped daddy decorate a cake for me at the grocery store. I feel blessed to be the mother of two and a half sweethearts.

Randoms

I thought I'd post a few random pictures of some of the goings on in our neck of the woods...

This is when Clara was first learning to walk. She is totally pro now and is ALL OVER the place.

These two love playing together more and more. It's so fun to watch them and hear their giggles.

Munching on some cereal.

One day, I took all of the cushions off the couches to vacuum and it was a whole lot of fun for the girlies. Abby asked to play on them another day. Clara is a bit of a dare devil and totally stresses me out.

Sam gave blood and handcuffed Abby with his bandage when he got home. He also gave her his blood donor sticker.

Oh, this girl is a handful but we sure love her.

Reading books in the tent with daddy.

My friend took this picture of Abby playing at the park. I love it!

After watching Curious George one day, Abby NEEDED to make a squirrel house. Luckily daddy was home to help in the construction. Abby painted and stickered and made a bed out of paper leaves. She wants to do projects whenever possible.

This little lady is always very busy. She is much more mischievous than Abby ever was. I need to get some pictures of her facial expressions--oh man, she cracks me up.

5:1:18

My life is based on a constant series of numbers. This many years since I was born. This many weeks until a vacation. This many hours since I last ate. This many minutes until naptime. I like the tidiness and predictability of a good number but I think sometimes these numbers distract me from the present. It can be hard to focus on the present because there's no number to represent right now. Right now is always changing and that makes me nervous. I think looking back and looking forward are important. Sometimes, it's the only way we can get through the present. Today, 3 numbers are on my mind.

5: The number of years since Sam and I were married. When other people say they have the best husband, I laugh a little bit inside because I know they're wrong. I have the best one! However, I guess maybe anyone who is happily married has the best husband--the best husband for them. We've been through a lot in our five years but they have been the best five years. Anyone who knows Sam knows he is wonderful but only the people living in this house know how truly wonderful he is. He is such a blessing to our family and I would be totally lost without him.

1: The number of years Sam has left in dental school. I was going to make the number 525,600 (Did you sing the song in your head?) but graduation is actually a little bit over a year away so I didn't think it was an accurate representation. Plus, it's a lot more fun to look at that really small number than that really big number. Our time here has flown by and I know this next year will be over before we know it. I can't wait to see what the next chapter of our life will bring.

18: The number of weeks pregnant I am. Our third baby is due September 29. We are very excited! I'm sure there will be plenty of posts on this subject in the upcoming months.

A Few More...

I've been able to get some more cute picture of our trip to California from my MIL and SIL. Thank goodness I'm not the only one taking pictures or we would be quite deficient.

Here's a nice shot of Clara's shiner. It was looking better at this point. Poor girl has been getting a lot of bonks as she enters the age of exploration.

Abby doing a puzzle with grandpa.

Some more pictures from the beautiful temple.

I think this is right after my brother-in-law put his arm around me instead of his wife.

Clara took some of her first steps at the reunion. As you can tell, she was very proud.

This is the day we went to the tide pools. I went down by the water and got soaked up to my knees by an unexpected wave. The tide was supposed to be going out!

Clara doing puzzles with her cute cousin.

Abby working hard to fill the water launcher.

Sam and Dan heading down to boogie board. They had such a blast.

Clara giving some giggles to Uncle Roo.

Abby playing beauty shop with Anna. She loved playing with the big girls. When we got home, we had to make a paper purse just like Anna's.

We bought all of the boys shirts that said San Diego Muscle Club. It was pretty funny.

Discharged

Today was a big day for our Clara girl. She had her last visit with her physical therapist and was discharged from the Early Intervention program.

She has turned into quite the walking machine and has reached all of the developmental milestones for her age.

Now, when we go outside to play, I have to chase her all around, which is exciting, but exhasuting.

We are so proud of our little lady and love watching all of her fun new skills.