Sunday, May 20, 2012

Loss

This week, our family experienced a devastating tragedy. I've debated writing about it, but as I've looked online for insight into situations like mine, I haven't been able to find a lot of information. So, I hope that in sharing my story, I might help someone feel a little more at ease.

On May 17, we were scheduled to go in for our 20-week ultrasound. We were beyond excited to find out the gender of our baby and to start preparing for his or her arrival. Before the ultrasound appointment, we had scheduled my regular OB visit. Both offices are a bit of a drive in the same direction so we figured we'd check them both off our list on Sam's day off from school. We dropped the girls off with a friend and went to our appointment.

I didn't know who the appointment was with and I was excited to find out it was Dr. Cadieux. She is our favorite doctor--the one who delivered Clara. We started chatting about our exciting appointment that day as she began the routine examinations. As she was using the Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, she kept hearing my heartbeat loud and clear. I was a bit concerned when she decided to turn on the ultrasound machine to check things out. As soon as she started looking around, Sam and I both could tell that something was wrong. We couldn't see the little pulsing heart and the baby wasn't moving. She confirmed our fears but told us to head over to the other office with the nicer ultrasound equipment to make sure.

Sam and I sat and cried together for a few minutes before heading to the car. We sat quietly during the ten minute drive. When we arrived at the other office, they were ready for us and took us back immediately. The ultrasound tech took some measurements and scanned around a bit. She told us that she couldn't find a heartbeat and that she would send the doctor in. He came in to tell us that the baby measured at about 18 weeks. He said that second trimester pregnancy loss is very uncommon and is usually associated with a chromosomal abnormality. This final confirmation was devastating.

We went to pick up our girls. Our wonderful friend who was watching them rallied our other friends together as soon as she heard the news. There has been a lot of sad things going on among our group of friends and it's amazing to have the support of wonderful people--even those facing tragedies worse than yours.

When Abby got into the car, she asked, "How did it go?" I told her it didn't go good and that our baby had died. She started to cry and it broke my heart. I didn't expect my three-and-a-half year old to understand as well as she did. Later she asked if it was a girl and I told her I didn't know. When we got home we snuggled up together on the couch to watch a movie.

We have received an outpouring of love for which I am very grateful. We have a garden of flowers in our house and have had meals delivered each night since the news came. We have had phone calls, e-mails, texts and visitors. It is in these moments that my emotions are strongest. I feel so incredibly blessed to have so much love in my life.

We have been doing as well as can be expected--better maybe. I have actually been surprised by my own strength. We have been faced with a lot of facts and decisions we weren't prepared to make and we are dealing with each of these things the best way we know how.

Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital to deliver the baby. I will receive pitocin and pain medication, just like a traditional induction. This is the part that is scary and unknown. 18 weeks is kind of on the border of miscarriage and stillbirth. The definition of stillbirth is a baby who is born deceased at a time when life would normally have been sustainable. With advances in science and technology, this time frame is earlier and earlier. That being said, most of the information I can find on delivery is about women further in gestation.

Depending on how things go, I plan to write about it, if only to help someone else facing a similar situation.

During this challenging time, I feel so much love for my family, especially for Sam. He has been so amazing, taking time off from school and taking the girls on little outings to give me time to be alone. Above all, I am thankful for my Savior. I know His love is giving me the strength to push forward when I'm not sure if I can.

17 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you decided to write about this. It took me a while to write about my miscarriage on my blog, but when I did, I got a lot of comments and emails from women who were dealing with the same thing and how hearing another persons experience was so helpful because they felt like no one ever talked or blogged about it. So I think sharing your experience, as hard as it might be to talk about it, is a really good thing for everyone.

    Plus, I think you'll be glad to look back and read about this experience someday and see how strong you were through it, and how you grew from it.

    Good luck with everything tomorrow...we'll be praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss! Misscarriages are so devastating & I totally understand what you are going through & feel your pain! You are such an amazing & strong lady! Good luck tomorrow & let me know if I can help with the girls or do anything else!

    ReplyDelete
  3. we'll be thinking about you guys tomorrow deborah. we sure love you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm so sorry to hear about your loss :( i truly believe that we are given trials that we have the ability and strength to handle. Through my sister's experience of losing their 15-month old, i know that the love and support from friends and family helps sooo much. I'm so glad that you have people reaching out and lifting you up.

    What an exaample you and Sam are of faith and strength and thank goodness for the knowledge we have of eternal families! Your sweet little one must have just been too perfect for earth... he or she is so blessed to have been able to receive a body and an eternal family!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I never have much good to say in these situations, so all I can offer is hugs and thoughts from far away.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love and prayers to you all. Love you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So very very very sorry to hear this update. So sorry for your loss! I can't begin to understand what this feels like or how you can have the strength to deliver the baby. Much love. Thoughts + prayers.... xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thoughts and prayers with you, Deborah. And long distance hugs. <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Deborah, I am so sorry to hear the sad news. My heart and prayers go to you and your family. I will also be praying for you tomorrow. Sending some more angels your way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry Deborah, you and Sam and the girls are in my prayers. Thank goodness for the gospel to get us all through hard times. ~hugs~

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Deborah, I love you so much. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I wish there was the perfect thing to say, but your whole family should consider yourselves prayed for my dear friend! I will be praying that everything goes well tomorrow. Families are forever! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry for your loss Deborah! That's heartbreaking! I'm sure writing everything out helps! We will be praying for your family!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so sorry. I didn't have the courage to write about it on my blog, but I had a miscarriage about two months ago. I know it hurts. I know what it's like to cry about the loss of your baby, about not knowing who they will be and never be able to see their little smile here on earth. I hope that all goes well with the delivery. I hope you guys will feel the love of Heavenly Father during this trying time. If you need someone to talk to, you can call me. I can listen and cry together if you need to.

    ReplyDelete
  14. We love you all so much. Thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Deborah, I'm so sorry! I hope that everything will be alright. It makes you grateful for good friends and support they provide. I wish I could be there to help somehow. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Coming out of the blog shadows to offer my sympathy. I think we were in the same ward at BYU (and Sam too?) for only a couple of months while I was engaged and not very involved in the ward social scene, but Merrick (Phillip was in the ward too? I should have been a better ward member, but I was very distracted...) was one of the few people I got to know in that ward and I think I stumbled across your blog from hers? Either way, I'm a stalker. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't have any really amazing or encouraging words to offer, but I thought you might like to know that somebody from blogland is thinking about you too.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...